Segue Blog
2011
Money: A Dirty Word?
Sometimes I wish that money were nonexistent and we could all just share and get along and maybe barter for things when necessary. However, our electric company does not accept apple pie or artwork as payment owed on our electric bill. Enter . . . Money!
As many of you know, I am now teaching school. I am doing so for several reasons:
1. Because God told me to
2. To help pay the bills
3. I enjoy it
We’re in a serious learning process regarding finances, church, Segue, etc. The Segue community is, of course, unconventional and when it comes to money, we are seeing that there are some things that God wants to do differently as well. Over 2 1/2 years ago, I spent 2 days alone seeking God primarily about income for Segue and for my family. I was asking how we should even approach that whole arena. At one point during that time, God said, “Strip away.” No, he wasn’t telling me to become a stripper! This was in the context of his church.
As a result I compiled this list titled: What people have added to the gospel/church . . .
Methods Competition Guilt Property Judgment
Marketing Programs Staff Condemnation Fundraising
Buildings Wealth Pride Raising Support
On my original list, the only item circled is “staff”. This is the thing that God wanted me to see. My take away was simply this: Segue no longer needed a full time staff person. At the time I was receiving a full time salary which was justified because there was a LOT of work to start up a faith community including recruiting and training leaders, building a core team from scratch, finding space for gatherings and events, obtaining non-profit status with the IRS, etc. But at this point in the journey, those things were accomplished and while there is always work to be done, the amount of work and time required had clearly decreased. The work now is still lead by me but the leadership team carries much of the responsibility. My role is now focused primarily on the work of the shepherd - caring for people and lovingly leading them to love and live as Jesus did.
Since that time we have incrementally decreased my salary which now is probably better termed a stipend. We plan to continue this decrease but now our question is, “how much”? That’s our current dilemma - what should that amount be? We want it to be based on what God is saying to us. In a very prophetic voice, one of our leaders expressed that God is wanting to do something very unique and different with our finances and especially in regard to the amount that goes, or doesn’t go, to me.
Here’s what we know:
1. God is teaching us something about how we handle finances as a faith community and it will be very different than the norm.
2. Even with the teaching job, Green Bandana (my arts related business), Jana’s part time retail job, and the Segue stipend, we are not able to meet all the financial obligations of a family of 6.
3. There is hope
So why does Segue need money? Why should the Spurgin family receive financial support?
For Segue we have a very simple yet important budget that consists of the following:
Community Events (art shows, urban gardens, etc.)
Training (bringing kingdom leaders in to give wisdom, insight, and leadership)
Meals and Hosting (providing food and hospitality)
Giving (gifts, practical needs and giving outside of our community)
Worship (art supplies)
Leadership (Kevin’s stipend)
Administration (office supplies, computer, etc.)
Support, Encouragement, and Accountability (internal ministry)
The Segue expenses would be covered completely by our community if it weren’t for one little thing - that stipend for me. And thus our dilemma . . . what is God saying to us about that?
Maybe it’s just that we (the Spurgins) need to find supporters who help us financially outside of Segue or find an additional source of income. Maybe the Segue community should step up and give more to take care of everything. Maybe Segue needs to find a more typical church that “gets us” and would be willing to offer financial support. This is as far as we’ve gotten in this learning process and we’re diligently praying about how to proceed.
There are several teachings in the Bible about giving to the Kingdom but what I see as the priority is this, “Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” 2 Corinthians 9. Another teaching that’s helpful in this situation is found in 1 Timothy 5, “Church leaders who do their job well deserve to be paid twice as much, especially if they work hard at preaching and teaching. It is just as the Scriptures say, “Don’t muzzle an ox when you are using it to grind grain.” You also know the saying, “Workers are worth their pay.”
So while some type of compensation for me is clearly justified in the Bible, I could take the apostle Paul’s stance and reject that financial support completely in order to show that I’m not in it for the money - which I’m not - but taking this stance would convince you of that much more so than me just saying it! Paul said it this way in 1 Corinthians 9 “Since we have planted spiritual seed among you, aren’t we entitled to a harvest of physical food and drink? If you support others who preach to you, shouldn’t we have an even greater right to be supported? But we have never used this right. We would rather put up with anything than be an obstacle to the Good News about Christ.”
We appreciate your prayers, insight, and wisdom in regard to all of this. It’s going to be really cool to see how this whole thing ends up.
Kevin
2011
God is Good
Is God good? Well…that’s a question that has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks now. Colby and I were finally expecting our first child after being told it would be next to impossible to conceive without the help of modern medicine….. My family was overjoyed. Colby told everyone he knew. The experience was bringing us closer together and it felt like it was mending and healing parts that had been broken between us over the past few years. God was great!I rushed into everything, this is my nature. I went on a shopping spree, already had the nursery ready to go at 8 weeks. Every time we went out we bought something for our new addition.It was shortly after this time that things took an unexpected turn. It was a late Thursday night and I realized I had begun bleeding…..I immediately yelled for Colby. We just looked at one another stunned. I began scouring the numerous pregnancy books I had purchased for any legit information on what this could mean. Colby was advising to call Kelly or Jana or my sisters, anyone who had given birth! He started talking about God and prayer and was trying to console me as I sobbed. I pushed both men away. It was late and the bleeding was light so I decided to wait it out till morning to call my doctor.My doctor was on vacation and would be for the entire following week. The ultrasound tech was also out of the office that day. They brought me in for blood work and advised me to go to the ER for sonogram as by this time the bleeding had increased. After many hours and a lot of support from Colby and Kelly we got word that they found a heartbeat but also vaguely explained other complications and advised me to see my doctor again Monday. This was the longest weekend of my life.It wasn’t until Tuesday afternoon that they could get me in for an ultrasound. I revealed to Colby that morning a little of what I had been through that weekend. Up until this point, I hadn’t stopped and truly thanked God for the miracle I had been given. I hadn’t really asked God to save the miracle that was in desperate need of help. I had taken it all for granted and somehow just became numb to it all. That Monday night I sat out on our balcony in my rocking chair holding my belly and begin to cry, hard, for the first time. I looked up at the bright Dallas night sky and searched for one star. Just one focal point. As a child and in early sobriety I would search for the North Star and believe it was God or an angel watching and listening as I spoke up and prayed. Low and behold I spotted one. One bright star or a planet? I watched it long enough to be sure it wasn’t a plane. It didn’t matter anyway, because at that moment I believed. I prayed and I pleaded for that baby to make it. I thanked God for the gift I had received. After praying this same prayer for some time, I had a moment of clarity. I then told God, “You know what? I really want this child, but do what’s best. Just please give me the strength to make it through whatever you decide.” I knew he was listening. It was late. I got into bed. Colby was sleeping by that time. I was restless, nervous about the appointment the next day. As I tossed and turned I caught a glimpse of the rosary hanging on the lamp by my bed. This is a very special rosary. I’ve had it since 6th grade. My best friend from childhood brought it to me from her summer vacation to The Vatican. She had it blessed by the Pope. I can’t believe I’ve kept up with it all these years. It’s gotten me through the worst times of my life. This was becoming one of them. I reached over in the dark and held tightly to the crucifix as it still dangled from the lamp. I began to pray. I hadn’t prayed this intensely and this sincerely since the last time I held that rosary back on Serenity Hill the day I was asking God to save my own life. I held my hand out hanging on to the crucifix with all my strength until my arm began to fall asleep. Eventually, so did I.
Finally the day had come. As I sat in a daze in the waiting room, I became angry that my doctor was still on vacation. This was the follow up ultrasound and she needed to be there. There it was. For the first, time I saw the baby and heard the heartbeat. It was healthy and strong. Once again, God was not only good, he was great! As we pulled away from the hospital I felt I had to share my experience from the night before with Colby. I consider my relationship with God a very personal one. I don’t often speak of prayer and meditation or my beliefs very openly. But this was one of those truly magnificent events that I had to share. I knew that God heard my plea and granted me the image and the sound we had just witnessed.
We went home feeling very hopeful. I was advised to take it easy. Stay in bed as much as possible and come back in one week when my doctor returned so we could get this whole thing sorted out. It was a long week. I continued to lose blood. I felt very weak. My emotions were shutting down. I began sinking into a state of nothingness. The night before my appointment we were scheduled to host Segue. I listened from the bedroom mostly. As they were closing up, Jana asked that they pray for us and the health of the baby. They all gathered around me and placed their hands on me. One after another they once again spoke beautiful words of hope and love. The entire time they prayed I was thinking back to the night just a few months before when the same “family” placed their arms around me and prayed for our chance to have a family. I thought to myself, “This has to work.”
I’m not sure where God was that night, but lying on the exam table the next day, I was convinced he hadn’t been listening to us. No heartbeat, no sign of life. I shed a few tears and quickly wiped them away. Colby fighting back tears trying to be strong for me reached out to hold me. I allowed him only for a moment and then pushed him away. The gate was closing…quickly. My emotions were shutting down. The tech told us to take all the time we needed and meet my doctor in the next room. I didn’t need any time. I didn’t want any time. In the next room Colby continued to try to console me. I just wanted to sit there. Every time he came near me, every time I looked at the pain in his face I knew what I would have to feel. I wasn’t ready for that. The doctor came in with apologies and explanations and warnings and hope for the future. I nodded a lot and hoped that Colby was catching most of it. Somewhere in there I opted to have what was no longer referred to as a fetus but now tissue surgically removed later that week. I was sure I had on my business face. I’m not sure if I convinced anyone. By the time we got home, my heart, mind and soul were on lockdown. I took a few sleeping pills and decided to face reality some other time.
I continued in this state of no opinion and no feeling for some time. For days I didn’t question God. I wasn’t angry with him. I didn’t begin to try to understand him. He honestly didn’t cross my mind except when I was explaining to Colby that I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone because I didn’t want to hear their theories on “This happens for a reason. God has a plan.” Now that I think about it, maybe I was a little upset with Him. Still, I had no desire to analyze the situation. I think I was most afraid of feeling let down. Had I asked for too much? That couldn’t be. I reserve my prayers of need for critical matters. Wasn’t this critical…….
I started writing this blog several months ago. I didn’t finish it because I honestly didn’t know how I felt at the time. I was trapped in a very dark place. I slowly drifted in to a depression that began to progress so quickly that even I was alarmed. Still, I neglected the advice from my doctors and continued to feel empty. It wasn’t until I took the time to nurture my spiritual connection with God, that I found the remedy. He reminded me that throughout my previous struggle with alcoholism, I had never properly learned how to grieve. Without this I had no chance of moving forward. Today, I am still learning grieving processes that work for me. The most important thing I’ve learned from this experience is that God works for me as I work with Him. For that, God is good.
2011
Crushed Like Powder
I’ve never felt stress as I’ve felt it in the past couple of years. Jana and I are feeling more pressure than ever in our lives and saying that it’s incredibly difficult feels like a vast understatement. It’s like saying the USA has a little bit of debt. To give some context, here’s a recent excerpt from my journal that describes a conversation between God and me . . .
I was at White Rock Lake yesterday – easily my favorite time of the week. As I walked the trails you began speaking to me. I reminded you (as if you had forgotten) that Jana and I have been in a pressure cooker for over 2 years now and that if we don’t get some relief soon, something is going to blow!
I started thinking about how one day we could tell the story of how we were under such great pressure that we suffered stress cracks and those take time to heal blah blah blah. You interrupted with, “What’s wrong with it blowing?”
“Well, there will be little bits of us all over the place!” was my first response. You pressed me on this and I remembered the verse about how you love a broken and contrite heart.
“The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise.” Psalm 51:17
You asked me if I had considered that the reason we’ve been under so much stress and pressure is that you want to break us. Obviously, I hadn’t. It really took me back at first. I mean, I thought you wanted to save us, not break us! You explained that Jana and I are “get it done” types of people. We pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, put our heads down and plow through until we accomplish the task! Nothing new there. You said we are like rocks – tough!
You then reminded me that the word “broken” in Psalm 51:17 literally means, “to be crushed like powder.” Now I’m getting REALLY concerned!
You went on to say that your Spirit is like the wind and the water. Wind can easily move/blow powder or dust and powder and dust flow easily in water. Your Spirit can move these things however he desires. But a solid rock, a stone, cannot easily be moved by wind or water.
You have been trying to crush us like powder so that you can easily take us where you want us! I told you that the imagery here is really beautiful but practically, how do we live this out? What does this look like played out in our lives?
You answered that we have worked very hard on this job/income situation. We have done our part and now it’s time to let you have it - to trust you with it completely. Of course we keep our eyes and ears open and respond to opportunities but we put it in your hands consistently, every day, every hour, every minute if necessary. We become the powder that is directed by the wind of your Spirit.
So the BIG question is, “Where does God want us to go?” Where does he want to take us? I suppose that there is more crushing that could take place in our lives to make us even more like dust or powder. I mean, we haven’t lost our house yet but it feels like if more crushing occurs, we may not survive. As I write this, I think of people who have given their lives (literally) to follow Jesus and then my situation seems much less severe. I honestly don’t know how to measure the level of crushing we’ve experienced, I Just know that it feels like a whole lot of pressure. I hope that we’ve been crushed enough that the wind and the water of God’s Spirit can move us.
In November 2010 God specifically said to me, “TEACH!” I’ve held on to that and I still believe that there is something very significant about it for me. It seems, however, that teaching in a school setting may not be the way the wind of God’s Spirit is blowing. I haven’t ruled it out completely but I do, at times, feel like I’m beating my head against a wall. I’ve applied for over 400 education related positions in the past year or so – some in school settings but most of them not. And nothing. I’m up for a good challenge but this is out of control!
So we’re asking God, again, which direction is the river flowing? What are you doing that we can join you in (and make enough money to support our family)? Honestly, we have to put a significant amount of our expenses on a credit card right now. It’s definitely not something we want to do but we absolutely do not have any other options at this point. We’ve whittled our expenses down to a minimal amount – especially for a family of 6 but it’s still not enough. I don’t want anyone to think that we’re not willing to work. As I said earlier, I’ve applied for over 400 jobs and NOTHING! I do wait tables and of course Jana is still working at The Container Store but these sure don’t feel like “destiny” kind of jobs. These are just ways to try and keep our heads above water.
We had a long conversation last night with some leader types and here’s one of the things that came out of it . . . the journey we’ve been on with Segue the past 6 years has enabled us to see and understand a great deal about the shift that has and is occurring in the church at large. The experiences we’ve had need to be explained to the more traditional church. The church must embrace becoming missionaries in our own culture. Maybe we’re the ones to TEACH them.
2011
GOOD
For the past couple of months, I’ve been spending a couple of hours every Wednesday morning on the trails around Whiterock Lake. I’m not running or biking, just taking long slow strolls and spending some extended time with my good friend Jesus. At times I’ll stop and sit on a bench overlooking the lake, park myself under a shade tree on the grass, or one of my favorite spots is sitting on the dam with my legs dangling over the water - this is the best view of the lake in my opinion. This time has become one of the best parts of my week and it’s definitely something I look forward to.
This morning I spent some time praying for my amazing friends who make up Segue. As I prayed similar things for a number of people, I was thinking about this subject that has become somewhat of a theme in most of our lives. If you’ve been paying attention, you’d probably guess that this theme has something to do with finances and jobs. I thought about that as well but very quickly I sensed that Jesus was diverting my attention to a much deeper issue.
I was talking to a good friend last week and I told him that I don’t like cliches but one kept coming to my mind. It really annoyed me at first but then it challenged me to examine my thoughts regarding this idea: “God is good. All the time.” I know, you’ve probably heard this and if you’re anything like me, it reminds you of ways this phrase has been over used and let’s face it: has annoyed you. After fighting past all those obstacles, I wondered if I really embraced this cliche as truth or not. At first, I felt slightly guilty for even questioning this but I’ve experienced enough of life to know that I can’t believe something just because it’s spoken. I have to examine it. As my friend and I talked I explained to him that 2010 was the worst year my wife and I have ever had financially. That’s saying something when you’ve been married almost 25 years. There were times when we didn’t know if we were going to be able to pay the mortgage. We even applied for food stamps. Saying that this was humbling is far from how bad it really felt. I went on to tell my friend that in April we had an enormous surprise when we received a $6300 refund from the IRS! We’ve never received a refund even half that size. With that money, we paid off all of our credit card debt. In June I sat down with my insurance agent to see where we could save some money. During our conversation he revealed that we had an investment type life insurance policy that would soon expire. If we let it expire it would be worth nothing or he could send us a check for $6900. Uhh . . . . we’ll take the check please! With that I was able to pay cash for a much needed fuel efficient car - which incidentally I’d been praying about for quite some time.
So during that time when we were applying for food stamps and wondering what the hell we were going to do to pay our bills, was God still good? Or was he only good when we got the big tax refund and the big insurance check? Does God being good change with what is happening in our lives - our individual circumstances? Is he good for some people and not good for others - at the same time? Or is he actually good all the time? I still don’t have the income/job I’ve been praying about for over 2 years now. Does that mean that God is not good? Is he good in certain areas of my life and not good in other areas of my life? I mean he answered the prayer about the car but he hasn’t answered the prayer about a job. So is he good when it comes to cars but not good when it comes to jobs?
It seems clear that we can’t base God’s goodness on individual circumstances in our lives. Either he’s good or he isn’t. What does it mean to be good? Does being good mean that you’re always nice or that you always behave appropriately? Or does being good have more to do with actually desiring the best for the people you love? What I mean is, if you’re truly good to someone you do things on their behalf that are best for them.
When things are really hard (I mean food stamp kind of hard or maybe for you it’s abuse kind of hard) is God good or not? Now, we could easily get side tracked here with a discussion about why bad things happen to good people and free will but that’s for another time. At this point I will leave it at this: I believe that God does give us free will, at least in part because he doesn’t want “programmed robots” “loving” him simply because they have no other choice. And, because we cannot control the choices of others, sometimes bad things - really bad things - happen to people.
Back to the conversation with my friend, he explained to me that he often asks 2 questions (especially when things are hard): 1. Is God good? and 2. Will I praise him? Great questions to ask when you’re angry with God, when you feel betrayed by God, when you’re doubting God, when you’re hurting, and when life is just damn hard! I can’t answer these questions for you. All I can do is tell you what I’ve learned and experienced and then you’ll have to take that and mix it with what you’ve learned and experienced and decide for yourself. I’m way past the days of telling people what to believe. If you don’t come to truth in your own way then it won’t stick - especially when life is hard.
Remember way back when you started reading this lengthy blog post? I mentioned problems with jobs and finances being a common theme with many of my friends. I also mentioned that Jesus quickly pointed me to a deeper issue. That issue is trust. Do I really trust that God is who he says he is and will do what he says he will do? Do I trust that he is good? Even when I can’t see it? Even when it looks like there’s nothing left to give me hope? Even when everything I see points to the possibility that he is not good? Can I still trust him?
It’s significant at least that one of the areas in which we least trust God is that of finances. We trust him with general direction for our lives. We trust him with the health of our friends and family (isn’t that one of the things we most often pray about?). We trust him with eternity/life after death. But we don’t seem to be very good at trusting him with our money. A good friend of mine from Nigeria used to say to Americans all the time, “Let me see your bank account and I’ll tell you what your priorities are.”
Do we think that if we begin to trust God with our money that he will all of the sudden no longer be good? That he will want us to do something with our money that is bad for us? God tells us 2 things very clearly: 1. Give generously with joy and 2. He is our provider. Jesus taught that you reap what you sow (some people call it karma). If that’s true then if we give generously and with joy then we will also receive generously and with joy . . . right? What are we so afraid of? Many of us look to our employer, our inheritance, our spouse, or maybe the lottery to be our provider. That seems dumb if you believe that God tells the truth. God says he is our provider. One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn over the past couple of years is that God provides enough for TODAY. He never said that he will provide enough for today and our retirement. Who’s idea was retirement anyway? I honestly have no idea where that came from. Maybe it’s cause I grew up on a farm. My dad is 78 years old and he is still farming and still loves it. OK, now I’m rambling - sorry!
So the question is, do you trust him . . . to be good? I do and, with no attempts to be arrogant, I have done my best to set a great example for the people I’m leading. If you can’t follow me as I follow Jesus then what kind of leader am I anyway? Look at my example, my family, my finances. Ask me questions - the tougher the better. I’m bored of petty superficial conversations anyway. I can tell you story after story of how God has been good in my life. He has more than earned my trust - especially with money.
Love and Peace,
Kevin
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